Yes indeed. And you don’t get much more stupid than what I did today. Actually, I did several stupid things today, most of which involved food and cooking. But I will spare your sanity and only tell you about the one that upset my cat.
Now, on account of recently discovering the caffeine content of my favourite new ‘fruit drink’, I decided to switch to something slightly less likely to stick me to the ceiling.
I now allow myself the occasional isotonic orange drink after training and the odd tooth rotting cola drink at other times. (Am I going to get sued now? Cuz if I am, it’s all lies. My teeth are fine, really.)
Bear with me now, I’m getting to the cat, I promise.
Anyway, I really like those pull-up-and-suck tops that come on the sports drink bottles, so I decided ‘why not take the top of the empty one and put it on the cola bottle?’
Are you thinking what I should have been thinking here? Probably. Anyway, I swapped the bottle tops and left the cola sitting next to my desk while I slogged away on the second novel.
I heard the bottle making strange noises but thought nothing of it. It sounded a bit like a dying fly. You know, when they get upside down on the windowsill and buzz like a demented two stroke motorcycle. And no matter how many times you put them right way up, they just keel right on over and do the whole crazy buzzing thing again. No? Okay.
So, the cat is lying, purring happily, on my lap while I’m typing away when I decide I could really do with a drink. I pick up the bottle thinking how cool it will be not to have to unscrew the cap when PHZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! A jet of cola spurts out of the bottle top and soaks me, my chair, the carpet and, of course, the cat.
Oh what fun. I’ve never seen a cat move so fast in all my life. Or felt it – he used his claws in my legs to gain momentum.
Are you thinking what I should have been thinking now? Of course! The isotonic drink doesn’t have the fizz. Dammit, why didn’t I think of that before?
Maybe my stupidity is actually cabin fever kicking in.
You see, we still have snow outside. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, we have icicles. Dangerous icicles, hanging from the guttering, just waiting to strike me down the minute I venture out of the front door.
Having said that, I don’t think the one that concerns me is actually an icicle. (Nor is it anywhere near the front door, but that’s not the point.) The very word icicle makes it sound small.
No, this is definitely not an icicle. An ‘Iceosaurous Rex’ is more what it is. Does that sound big to you? Good, that’s what it is then. And it’s hanging from the neighbour’s guttering right outside our bathroom window.
Seriously, every time I go to wash my hands I see it and my over active imagination kicks in. What if there’s one just like that right above our front door? What if opening the door disturbs it and it falls from the sky (well, the roof), piercing my skull and killing me instantly?
You see what happens when you write fiction? You go mad, I tell you. Stark raving mad!
Now, I haven’t actually seen any evidence of an Iceosaurous Rex outside our front door but I know it’s there. I just know it is.
Okay, so my cellphone decided to freak right out and take a very small photo and it doesn’t look anywhere near as intimidating as it actually is. But just imagine how HUGE it would be if the photo was full size. Can you even see it?
Anyway, Iceosaurous Rex aside, I have discovered there is actually something good about winter. Yes, you did hear right and no, I won’t repeat it.
What is it?
Karate kata in the snow. It’s fun, it helps improve your balance and oh, you’d better have some pretty strong stances or you end up doing the full splits.
So, kata and flexibility training all in one. What more could you want, hey?
Note to landlord: I’m not really keeping cats in the apartment. When I say my cats I actually mean my boss’s cats who live at my other residence.
Note to the Inland Revenue: When I say my other residence I actually mean my boss’s house. Trust me, if I was earning enough to afford a second residence it wouldn’t be on some windswept and snow-covered hill in the wilds of West Yorkshire!!!
Note to anyone who read yesterday’s post: No, I haven’t recovered enough to talk about the nightmare town trip and I probably never will.