And a Wonderful Night Was Had by All…

Okay, it wasn’t. Not by me anyway. I spent the entire night in A&E waiting for someone to be admitted to hospital. Not just anyone – the person I actually accompanied in the ambulance.

Anyway, we arrived at the hospital at around midnight, he was finally taken to the ward at 4am and I managed to get the 6:30 bus home.

Well, when I say home what I really mean is into town. Then I had to wait 45 minutes for a bus from town to home.

Never one to waste valuable time, rather than just hang around the bus station, I thought I’d take the opportunity to replenish the alcohol caffeine stocks. So I headed off to Morrisons.

I was already half way across the car park by the time I realised  that Morrisons is not actually open at 6:45am. Ah, but Asda is.

Asda is also at the other end of town. Oh well, there’s no decent coffee in the house and I’ve been up all night. I need caffeine!

So I do an about turn and head off to Asda. Of course, the usual door I go in is locked and I have to go all the way around this huge store to the door by the car park. No worries, I need the exercise.

So, I finally get inside and, but for the odd lime green and black clad entity wandering around with a bucket and mop, the place is completely deserted.

Cool, I should do my shopping at this time of day all the time. I got my coffee and a few other bits and pieces and headed for the till. Uh oh! There’s no one manning the tills. I actually have to use one of those self service thingies.

OMG! Someone remind me never to shop at this time of day again.

I followed the on-screen instructions and placed my bag to the right of the scanner. Suddenly there was an insane screeching sound and the screen flashed up a warning that there was something terribly wrong with my bag.

Hello! I’ve been using this bag to cart shopping around for at least three years and no one has found fault with it yet.

I was just about to flee the scene, minus my goodies (and possibly my bag), when a lime green person materialised out of nowhere . “Do you have any items in your bag, ma’am?”

“Er, yes, but not Asda items!”

She sort of craned her neck and peeked at the books and files in my bag then waved a card at the thingy and shut it up. “There you go, ma’am,” she said. “I’ve reset the machine for you.”

I thanked her and proceeded to scan the first item, my coffee. The thingy gave a happy little chirp and told me to place the item in my bag. I did and all seemed well. I did this with two more items but on the next one the thingy went berserk.

“Unexpected item scanned!”

Unexpected item? What do you mean unexpected item? Oh, I get it. Just because it’s no added sugar orange and pineapple juice you don’t expect me to buy it. You thought I’d go for the full sugar, full fat chocolate Hobnobs didn’t you? Well that assumption is size-ist and against the law in this country. Stupid machine!

The green person, who had been eyeing with suspicion since the dodgy bag incident, came to my rescue again.

I thanked her again, fed the thingy a £10 note, snatched my change and pushed my way through a forest of lime green security guards with as much dignity as I could muster.

Once out in the bracing air of the car park I felt much better realised I was going to have to run to catch my bus. I caught it with seconds to spare.

I collapsed into the nearest vacant seat, red-faced and gasping, and consoled myself that Lily-Bean would be waiting to welcome me home with open paws.

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Angry cat

Lily-Bean

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She wasn’t.

I got in and called her. No response. I checked the kitchen thinking she might have heard me get home and be sitting expectantly by her bowl.

She wasn’t.

I finally located her at the foot of my bed and expected her to be delighted to see me.

She wasn’t! In fact she fixed me with a glare that would have had a lesser mortal running for their life.

Being fearless, I threatened to transform her from a Lily-Bean to a ‘hasbean’ if she didn’t show a little more respect to her slave.

Being a cat, it fell on deaf ears and she gave me her best where-have-you-been-and-how-dare-you-be-late -for-my-breakfast look? I cracked first. I fed her, jumped into the shower and crawled into bed.

Then the phone rang. Not just once but four times. Come on, dammit! No one ever phones me on days when I haven’t been up all night.

Eventually I gave up on trying to sleep and decided to write instead. I might regret that tomorrow.

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